Requiem for Brian

When I started going through the rituals I do before writing, my iTunes list popped up. Some song came up automatically, I think it was Dream On, by Aerosmith. That song always sends me into an introverted mood. The next was Sad Lisa, by Cat Stevens.

This song brought me back to Brian.

I have written a few of these letters of memorial for important people in my life---kinda wish I didn’t feel the need. It seems like the only profound emotions I have are lose and sorrow.

Working at Doc’s brought out some of my less noble traits. My issues were not the fault of Doc’s, I have always had them. My addictions and narcissism would have come through at some point with or without that place. There were, and still are I presume, some very special people there. People who enabled me to keep ahold of the core person I am. 

Brian was one.

I cannot say that he was a close friend, though I wish I could. He was loyal and kind and even powerful in his own way. He could always come back with a smart-ass remark and a smile while he did it. How could anyone be mad at him? When talking to him, one knew that he was all about you. That guy got more women under his arm than most straight guys! (NOT FAIR!) Yet through all his joviality, there was strength and wisdom.

When he came out to me, I was going through some trivial shit with the mother of my daughter, another in a long list. Brian listened to my rants and meaningless drivel without any judgement. I don’t even remember what he said, or what the problem was, yet I remember feeling better about my life. Then he said I needed to hear what he had to say. I was able to step above my self serving morass and really listen to him.

Truth is, I don’t really remember the details of the conversation, just the feelings. Honesty was the strongest among them. Pain too. After work that night, we went to the Chattahoochee River and talked for hours. We just sat there and talked.

Working at Doc’s and being gay, must have been difficult, way beyond my understanding. Yet he felt safe enough to tell me. I wonder if I was one of the first guys to know. I’ll never know. I have never talked about this, even after it was common knowledge; he asked that of me.

During my worst times, when some one I needed to trust was betraying it, thus destroying the silly dream world I was trying to build, Brian was there as a friend, a confidant, yes even as a shoulder to lean on. He gave me permission, if you will, to stop being an idiot.

Now iTunes has queued Meatloaf’s Heaven Can Wait. No it can’t. Heaven, or whatever, has taken a good man. Though I have not been in touch with him for a very long time, I always knew if I needed to, I could always reach out to him. Now I cannot. My world has been profoundly shaken. I know that I will always be able to reach out/in to memories and feel him, but he is gone forever and always. My world has been profoundly shaken.

Sunday, two weeks before Easter

        We got to the Cathedral early. (I have always been early...to everything.) Yet, those who were supposed to chaperone the event were not there, go figure. So we waited, and I waited for Ashley. I had two layers of waiting going on: the event at The Runtyun’s church and the anticipated ride with Ashley.

Sometimes I wonder what all these people think about me, I don’t reach out to them for friendship, they don’t reach out to me either. We nod at each other, and even say, “Hi.” Yet I have little to say to them. I wonder if they think I think... Oh, I don’t know what. They are all nice people, I just can’t identify with them, sometimes I wish I could. We come from different worlds, I can’t know theirs, and they may never know my…path to this point.

Ashely finally showed up, but I could not leave until I knew what was going on with the kids. So we talked. I have never been able to talk with people, but Ashley is a star and carried the conversation well. Finally the Kilted Man arrived and we settled the details and timing of events.

Ashley and me were off. Marshall was our destination. She said she just wanted to ride, to me it meant a ride with no destination, a ride for the purpose of freedom and exhilaration. A ride to feel alive...the thrill of anticipation, fear and thrill of two wheels on pavement sliding into the next turn.

The Grinner finally rumbled to life; it wanted to go, I could feel her excitement and anticipation. She was controlled and predictable as the gears slide up and down, yet I still felt the need to reign her in. Stop lights and signs got in the way of our journey, yet we made it through them with little difficulty.

Finally the road ahead was open. I know this road, it leads to Marshall, a beautiful little place; coffee shops, little stores and a weekend produce market. The road, Riverside Rd, follows the French Broad River north from Asheville, ( It suits my outlook because it goes against the norm, yet still goes to it’s own place.), and like the river, the road has unpredictable turns and shifts. Every time I ride this road, it sends a new direction that makes me focus on the road, the moment. The issues of the moment are clear: am I going to make this curve, is that cop waiting for us?

Time really is not on my mind. Does my pillion know how to follow the road, will I make it through the next turn OK, does she know how to lean?... These things are there, yet they do not take up my thinking time. My thinking goes around many things. Of course the technical aspects; breaking, counter steering, the lean with Ashley, hitting the breaks and feeling her react. All this goes into how I attack this road. By the way, Ashley, may not have much experience with riding, but she has an intrinsic intuition. She is a joy to ride with, I almost do not know she is there, except when we slow down really hard.

We talked over the rumble of the engine, yelled really. Guns and the politics behind them was one of our conversations. She has a few and shoots them. I told her I was thinking about having a firearm, but did not feel I should until I could commit to better training.

We talked about her bf, they are committed and I could feel her dedication to him. She told me of fishing trips and other fun they have together. She could not see my smile.

The road got twisty and a few cars, cages, got in the way, yet we kept on going. Yellow lines were not a problem to my Detroit steel. It found it’s way around those slow cages. The river on the left showed its teeth. The rocks and wild terrain on the left were ragged, yet we glided through them, sliding like an otter down rapids.

We made it to our destination, but the coffeehouse was closed, so we explored an unknown road and found our way back to the river.

I saw we were running a little late so I had my excuse to run this road and see just how sticky the new tires were. There is this one curve that for some reason I never get through easily. On the left side is a rock cliff blocking my view. The road seems to dive away into the river right at the apex and the turn seems to get tighter at odd places.

We rode hard into the curves, and spun out of them. The road was open and I let my Grinner have her lead. That bike is so steady, yet when the turning is happening, it is so nimble. Ashely was perfect behind me, she even reminded me about the speed trap ahead. 

I have said it many times, when riding,  I think of nothing but the road ahead, but I can tell deep inside my shallow brain, the wheels are churning away. Sometimes I will think about something, a story I am working, something with The Runtyun, or maybe work. (We try to avoid that one as much as we can!) Other times I go slower and look at the world around, the rapids on the river, clouds in the sky, a squirrel sitting on an overhanging branch twitching it’s tail.

This run however, was all about the road ahead. We may not have set any records, but I am sure at some places the pavement with smoking after we passed. We made it back to the church on time. I revved the engine to let The Runtyun know I was back. She came over as Ashely and I unwound ourselves from the bike. We talked a minute and made nebulous plans for sometime soon then hugged and said goodbye.

The Runtyun had fun with her friends and I got to ride. We both enjoyed ourselves on a glorious day at the end of winter.

olc

In My Head, I'm a Little Confused

So a couple weeks ago I messaged an old friend and lover. I wanted to know the name of a movie she was involved with, Songcatcher. My father is doing a little light research on music of this region and I thought he might want see it for some reference.

We messaged back and forth getting caught up on things. Finally she asked me if I was going to her birthday at a mutual friends. I told her that I was busy that day and could not make it. But wait! The party was not going to be on the Sunday, but really on the Friday evening before. My reply was maybe. She said she might just come on down and get some Neil time.

Well, as the weeks past and the date of the party came closer, my friend never contacted me or made any attempt to communicate at all. So I thought I would just let the whole thing go. I have to admit I was a little concerned and I tried to figure out what I should do if she came-a-knockin’ at my door late that evening.

I let The Runtyun, persuade me to go to a movie. Go ahead and say it, “Cop out!” By the way, Lincoln is very good movie. I enjoyed it a lot even though I thought some of the dialect was a little staged.

Finally we came home and I saw the lights on at the house where the party was supposed to be. It turns out I think, there was no party and thus no uncomfortable scene with my friend.

Truth is I was relieved, yet kind of disappointed too. There was a time when I thought our futures could be brought from me and her to us, and the romantic in me sometimes wants to find out what our combined energy could do. Then I ask myself, “Can I really make this special woman happy and still be the person that I am trying to grow into?”

I guess what confuses me most is the dueling emotions joisting in my brain battle field.

olc

It’s SO frustrating--- Multi-Tiered Gas Pricing

It’s SO frustrating--- Multi-Tiered Gas Pricing

So, I was getting gas the other day, as I do every working day. You see doing deliveries uses a lot of gas. I have an app on my phone called GasBuddy, it has a data base with all the local gas stations and their prices. The prices are uploaded from users for the most part and fairly accurate. I found a gas station with a good price, the best in town for the moment, Enmark. They had the lowest price by .10. I am thinkin, “I need to go that way anyhow…”

I found my way to the station and saw that they have a cash card price and a credit price. Of course the Credit Card price is always so much more than cash. So I decided to get a cash card. The attendant said it was a CASH CARD, I could not use my debit card to buy it.

It’s SO frustrating

I get it that companies need to attract more business, but why not drop the price to all customers.

I get it that companies need to track their customers, they need to know what people are buying and when, yet I resist being pigeon holed.

What I do not understand is why offer a better price only to certain people. 

I guess It’s SO frustrating having to spend so much money on gas everyday!

Ten years ago this weekend

It had been a rough patch, those last few months. Maybe though, things were beginning to look up. I had a new job, The Runtyun’s mother seemed to have a good position. The Runtyun herself, was my pride and smile. Even the space shuttle, Columbia was completing another successful mission. Little did I know, like the shuttle, my life was going to crash and burn.

Like most people, I did not really know what the shuttle was doing up there in space, nor did I really understand the calamity my life was crashing into. The shuttle was coming down that day and I was watching T.V., idly passing time before work while waiting for my babies' mother to come home and take the dayshift while I worked away at the new job.

She was late, very late, the shuttle had gone missing and I was missing from my new job. The Runtyun was sleeping away, I could hear her soft breathing while updates were coming in. I would go over to her to try to find calm from her sweet and innocent slumber despite the inner flame burning my life away.

In a way I was a little luckier than the rest of the world, I had an idea where she was and it was not at work, while every one else could only wonder and worry about the missing shuttle. 

Yes, it was ten years ago, on the same day the shuttle Columbia developed a hole in it’s wing disintegrating at 17000 miles per hour,  though my life took  longer to crumble and burn. Yet like the Phoenix, well maybe not as dramatically, I was able to re-incarnate into a better person, a more mature parent.

My destiny became more real to me when the shuttle crashed. I could see the direction my life was taking, yet like the shuttle, I was headed down a course that seemed inevitable. Destiny, it seemed, had taken control for the moment. Like the shuttle, my life became a fiery testament to misdirection. Hot emotions and flames of stone took over for a time. Yet, after a time of tempering and rebirth, I was lucky to find myself.

Now, I am the man and father I am supposed to be.

It's So Frustrating

Charlie Brown has nothing on me with his football. The Democrats, who have been lead-on, mislead and abused, by the Republicans can only learn from my experiences. With Charley Brown, it’s the football, and with the Dems it is everything to do with compromise and moving goal posts.

My wonderful daughter though, has given me a course to guide my life by, a beacon that illuminates our path into the future. Occasionally however, I let myself get distracted from my real and very important task of being a father. Mostly, this happens when I allow myself to be distracted by my more carnal nature and desire for adult companionship. Yes, I am a guy and sometimes a woman will be silly enough to realize this and want to spend time with me. These fleeting relationships end...one way or another.

Yet, my sunshine is always there, constant in her need and inconsistency and most importantly her unfiltered outlook on life...and her smile.

The other night, I had plans to see a special lady, yet there were concerns running through my foggy brain. mostly concerning due to our rocky and sometime volatile relationship. We have been seeing each other on and off for years. She is fun and very dynamic. Invariably we have lots of fun together, though after a minute or two we drift apart which is OK. The truth is she is a little capricious in nature, a little unpredictable, if you will.

We were to go to a local place to eat and listen to some music and maybe dance some. Life and nature got in the way of the whole plan though... Let me relate.

I was cruising Facebook when I saw a post from my erstwhile date had posted she was caught at home in a snow storm though she had been in town merely an hour ago.

I told The Runtyun about the SNAFU and tried to hide my disappointment. While my head was rolling around with anger and frustration, this little one whom I have the privilege to share time with merely said, “Oh. OK.”

Perspective. 

That is what I needed and she gave that gift to me.

I had to go out and get some supper because everything was in the freezer, so supper-market bound was I. There was a dark cloud flying after me and thoughts of betrayal were in that cloud. This is my way of dealing with various frustrations in life; letting my brain play with it, then throwing the whole thing away. 

Well, I arrived at the food store and decided I wanted red meat and potato, this would reassert my animal nature and make me feel better. As I was walking down an aisle I saw something that made me smile because it would be a treat for The Runtyun, I think it was Screaming Yellow Zonkers. My first smile and I was able push that dark cloud away. My back straighten and my face lost it’s scowl.

Oh yeah, we had NY strip for supper at 5.75 per pound. Yeah baby!

I sent a sarcastic comment to my broken date and unfriended her. 

Question:

Am I being petty in unfriending her on Facebook? 

Comments please.

Toys For Tots, 2012

 

            I recieved an email from a friend yesterday asking if I was going to the T4T run here. I had been thinking about doing it, but it gets cold here in the morning and The Runtyun is not too fond of shivering. I was not sure what to do. Then Ashley asked what my plans were.

I struggled with the whole thing for a few hours, and finally called some really good people and they jumped at the chance to help out. It turns out their daughter and mine are great friends at school. Can you say sleep over?

After dropping The Runtyun off I was bound for Walmart to get something as an offering. 

Finally the morning came and it was time to get going. 25 degrees and a solid frost on the grass. I have never found a decent pair of cold weather gloves and this was the day for it too. Let’s just say the coffee mug at the Breakfast Shop, in Swannaoa  did more than warm my insides.

Ashley showed and breakfast was really great! Time went by, we went to the Harley Davidson of Asheville and looked around for a minute then went to the start point for the ride. When we got to the start site, there were only a few bikes and everything was only getting started.

After a while more bikes would show up. Ashely and I walked around a little. I am not much of a talker, but Ashley was real easy to talk with.

After a while Santa’s elves came around and every body had to get a pic, I am not immune either.

We settled on the hill, this old guy’s legs were getting tired. Ashley showed her street creds.

As the departure time came closer, I got on the hill and took this photo. At this point there were only 

about a hundred bikes.

At this point, we had more than 45 minutes for more bikes to roll in, yet the staging area was more than ⅔ full.

About this time, Santa showed up with his police escort. I wonder if this is Rudolf?

Watch out Henderson County They got Beemers on the watch!

Then of course Santa and his bride came along. I wonder if she gets jealous of those elves?

The safety lecture.

Finally we were off. I have never ridden in a rally of any sort, so I did not know what to expect. Truth is, I thought we would be walking the bikes most of the time. We got into third gear and moved along pretty well. It was well organized and fun.

While we went through the Tunnel on Tunnel Rd. Ashely turned on the recorder (Turn up the base!)

So, I guess there were almost 2000 bikes on this run. Many kids who may not have gotten gifts for Christmas will have something under their tree. I am truly happy I participated this year, Ashley and I plan on doing it again next.

Thanks again, Ashley for that email. And a GREAT BIG shout out to my friends that had The Runtyun for the weekend!

OLC