Another user Dream

I guess these things happen in clusters.

I have this friend whom I’ll call Leggs. Maybe I’ll go into that at another time, in another post. Leggs has this unnatural ability to find the negative thought, action or circumstance into a beautiful thing. Many people have this skill with little effort. The truly wonderful thing about Leggs, is that it is a truly organic thing. In other words she does not look to find a positive from a negative, there is no dark side in her realm.

The other night I must have been infected with her outlook, because, though I may have had another user dream, it was, oddly enough, an enlightening one!

For the longest time I was addicted to cooking. I found my identity from it, I made my living from it and mostly loved to create food that made others happy. The truth is, there was no high greater than creating and presenting a meal to a stranger and seeing the smile my creation produced.

That outlet of creativity ended about the time my full blown chemical addiction took over.

In the dream, I was hired as the personal chef to some very important person, I am not sure who it was, in dream world these things can be either be important or not.

In my dream, my first task as chef was to make the “Picture soup.” Well, being the new guy, I did not want to ask a silly question, so I looked high and low for the recipe for Picture soup. I searched recipe books in the house. I found an old box of written and clipped recipes. I tried to get to know the other staff and illicit knowledge from them. I spoke with the markets I was to deal with without coming out and asking what to do. I looked around the house to see if there was a special picture with the family dining with soup. All to no avail.

I even went to my father, the most humble yet best cook I knew, to see if he had any knowledge of what a Picture soup was. There was this guy I worked with many years before, who was a font of experience and cooking skill. He was the type of guy who could impart knowledge without even trying. One time I asked him for a simple pasta recipe and in less than five minutes he gave me five easy yet elegant ones, yet he was unable to help me with this task.

The time was coming for service and I still had no idea what to do. In desperation, I called the staff together and told them of my trouble. The all looked at each other and smiled. Some one, remember this is a dream, pulled out a magazine, opened it to a page with a picture of a soup on it, “The Picture Soup. All you had to do was ask.”

As I pulled the magazine from her hands, I woke up. And as with most user dreams I was still a little disoriented, yet I had an even stranger feeling. It was of satisfaction. It was a much better feeling than the feeling I had the other night, yet I still don’t know what the “Picture soup” was.

olc

User Dreams

The other night I had a dream. It was such a powerful dream that it woke me up from a deep sleep, sweating and nervous. As with most dreams the details faded quickly, but I attempted to remember what I could. (Note to self: keep a pad of paper to help with remembering this kind of thing.) The first part of it is foggy. It had something to do with the-mother-of-my-daughter and the road to hell we both shared.

In my dream, it is called a User Dream, I was with the Runtyun's mother and she was trying to get some drugs and I think we must have gotten some because we pulled our sticks out and, I think, get everything ready to use them. I seem to remember finally lighting the rock and hearing the crackle of melting... This is where I usually wake feeling the disorientation of it all. 

This time though, there was a pause in the dream. How do I describe it? If you are watching TV and the program ends, but the commercial is not queued up there is a black spot in time when you know something will be coming up and waiting is the only thing to do.

After the pause in my dream, everything changed, as they do in dreams. I was much older and clean for a long time, but I had finally given into the constant desire to succumb. Somehow, I had attained a used stem with lots of residue and I was trying to find more of the shit to use. In the dream, my greatest desire was to scrape that pipe and smoke the residue.

As I was trying to score, the stem seemed to grow and grow, from the size of a thin pencil it grew, until it would not fit in my pocket. While it was growing, I still could not score any dope. Finally it got so large I had to carry it with two hands and still I could not get anything to put in it. In the dream, the stem got so large I had to throw it over my shoulder like a soldier does with a rifle. I was desperate to fill that pipe!

Finally, and I don't know how or why, I just got fed up with the whole thing. I could not get anything to put into the stem, so I could not get high. The pipe was getting so big I could not carry it any more. I finally found a trash can and broke the glass pipe into a million pieces and...woke up.

In most cases during these dreams I will wake up and feel only the residual effects of that horrible poison. This time though, it was a full blown mind bending hit that was attacking me. I was disoriented, slightly dizzy and euphoric. And I wanted more.

Those in recovery, and are honest with themselves, will know that we will always have temptation eating away at our resolve. I went over the mental steps I have developed to help me through moments of crisis.

First I thought about the time and energy I have invested in getting better. Then thoughts of my Runtyun flowed and how much she depends on me to show a better life. My parents and the investment they made in me to get out of the terrible rut I was in. Then lastly, a Shakespeare quote came to mind. Actually, I recite it to myself a lot. It has become a kind of mantra when I have to make moral/value decisions. “To thine own self be true.”

I woke from that dream and struggled with temptation and I WON!

I have not had any of these user dreams for a long time. I have been living drug free for many years, almost seven and a half, I think. I have heard that the dreams seem to fade away after time. For the most part, it is true, when I first stopped using, the dreams were so intense that I almost gave into the urge. Yet after time they faded in both frequency and intensity. They still however, creep into my unconscience sleep once in awhile. The other night was the most intense and most realistic I have had in years.  My life has not changed in any way significant way, I still struggle along. I still have my Runtyun to give me smiles even though she is becoming a young adult and challenges every thing.

I do not know what triggered my dream. I have thought about the things that used to trouble me and have beaten those triggers, or at least we have come to an uneasy truce. 

I guess the best take away is that I have not restarted any bad habits and actually feel stronger for beating, once again, the strong temptation to do stupid.

Olc

Another example of: Its SO Frustrating: Time and Inspiration

I have little time to write and develop my “voice.” Yet I seem to have lot's of time to myself when I am doing the delivery thing. One might think that I could develop stories and other things to write. I do, actually. Yet when I get home, those well formed thoughts and complete story lines are gone, like the fuel I burned all day long.

Take tonight for example, The Runtyun is at her friends and I have the time to spent on writing this story that I was working on before the computer smashed-up. Truth is, during the past few days I have sat down here trying to get the thread going again---and made no progress. Something seems to always get in the way.

Well, the good news is I am here doing something instead of just sitting watching T.V. My biggest excuse for not writing when the kid is not here goes kinda like... “She is not here and now I can watch what I want to.” That combined with, “It was a shit day and I deserve to relax for a bit,”seem to drain my creative processes.

Its SO Frustrating!!!

I need to learn how to channel my writing and find a way to use the good ideas I get during the day and put them here.

olc

Lament

I have had delusions of grandeur for the last few years. Truth is I really don’t want to work for someone else, I want to write for a living. I think I have interesting ideas and I have deluded myself into thinking that others may be interested in them.

Seems I am wrong in that assumption.

When I post on any of my blogs; A Daddy Grows Up: A Chronicle of Our Journey, Rants and Brain Echoes, My Rantings (a journal of thoughts), or even just update my status on Facebook, I get a smattering of views and almost no comments. Much less any follows.

I spend a good amount of time writing these posts and most of the them are pertinent to something going on outside of this electronic box. I always want to have feed back from my readers and most of the time ask for it in the post. Yet I get very little. I want feed back on the content and style, yet all I get is encouragement with no editorial rebuttal.

I’ll keep on trudging along writing here and working on my fictional writing too, but it sure would be nice to get some followers and comments, so please read and let me know what you think. I even want to know if you, the reader, will never look at a posting of mine again. Just let me know and maybe an indication on better writing, or more interesting topics, anything that could help me in rise to journalistic sufficiency. 

Thanks, olc 

I wanna use my video recordings to protect myself from official abuses!

O.K., a legal question or two, for those out there that know more than me. I have some one in mind, he has helped me in the past, but any one who has an idea please chime in!

When being detained at a roadside checkpoint, do I have the right to record video of the event?

Also, lately I have been seeing signs at police stations saying that recording of any sort are not permitted. Is this permitted, or do I have a Constitutional right here?

olc

New post on a good blog

I just posted on my blog A Daddy Grows up. http://adaddygrowsup.blogspot.com/  Have a look and let me know what you think.

Lost and Wondering

Yesterday I wanted to get lost and find a new place or two. I may have done just that.

There is this place called The Light Center on the way from Black Mountain to Chimney Rock on NC Hwy. 9. I have heard about it and wondered what it was all about. When I first saw the signs, years ago, I thought it was a place to buy lamps. O silly me! Then a friend let me know a little more about it. He was a county sheriff and found some reason to go up there and see what it was all about.

So I looked the place up on google and learned enough about it to want to see for myself. That was a year ago and I never seemed to have an opportunity to go there. I was even told by some one, whom I am enthralled with, that I was not in a place to experience its potential. Today was the day though.

As usual The Grinner started its low rumbling with a roar. I felt the power the engine exudes. It vibrated. The head light bounced. The Grinner shivered in anticipation. 

While I let it stand and warm. I got my helmet and stuff together. After a few minutes I cut the choke and listened to the beast fall back to sleep. The idle is too slow, so I played with it for a minute. 

Finally it was time to go. The part of the Blue Ridge Parkway I was going through is nicely wooded having bunch of paths one can follow to pleasant little walks, but for the most part, it is used as a way to get from here-to-there.

It is always a pleasure to ride it though, it many curves both smooth and predictable. I finally made it to Charlotte Highway and got gas. After that I was looking for Old Fort Road. This road is fun to ride, with lots of twists and turns, fields to ponder over and cars to keep one slow enough to enjoy it all.

My plan for this ride was to find the Light Center and see what they have to offer and then go on to get lost, not really lost but explore an unknown road which I have wanted to ride ( I heard there was a nice swimming hole perfect for a daughter and her dad).

                                       

It turns out this place is interesting. The acreage it uses has a tranquil feel with a slight breeze taking some of the heat out of the air. Some places in our world seem to have an aura exuding calm and this is one. I have experienced another called Dogtown in Gloucester, Ma. However, that is another tale.

I was met by a very pleasant lady, who was not intimidated by the bike, who handed me an information packet and offered me a chakra cleansing light show of some kind.

I looked at their library/shop of books and literature and saw a plentitude of material on alternative Christian worshipping. They also had some books on chakras. An interesting combination, I thought.

I walked a path to a little pond and heard frogs croaking and birds singing. It was refreshing and I began to feel some tension unwind, though my leg was not too happy to be walking so far.

I resolved to go back and take the time to try their chakra cleansing sensory room soon. I think I’ll go once and see how it feels, then go back after doing a little cogitating on chakras to see if I can perceive any difference. (I like when I use big words)

                                        

Drag pipes, like the ones on The Grinner, tend to be rather loud, but if I am careful I can make the rumble a little less obtrusive. I rolled out of there looking for my road to get lost on. Unfortunately, I fell behind a caravan of hay toting pick-ups. They were going really slowly and on this part of the road it’s a challenge passing anything. Now of course my friends on sport bikes may have another opinion, and during another ride I may have the same one. I bided my time and found a short straight to get around those working guys.

I settled into my pace looking for the turn out to the road and second goal of the day. While riding and contemplating the my experience wondering about the Light Center. I did not feel any profound enlightenment, merely curiosity. I will go back there, they have a number of workshops and other gathering events and the chakra cleansing room interests me a little. Now the scratch has been itched though, and there are some residual curiosities.

Finally my mystery road came up to me. It was closed so I could not get lost today. O well. 

I rode on to Lake Lure, had some lunch. I reached out to a friend, but she was working. Finally it was time for me to go home.

The ride home was typical, cars going too slow, yet giving me a chance to enjoy the world around me, so it was not so bad. 

                                        

                                                  

I am not sure what I expected from this ride, nothing profound happened though. I am simply a little more curious about a new place to explore. Of course, any time I get to riding is good. 

olc